sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
