It's Friday. Sex?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
