I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel