Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize