kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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