I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.