I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
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Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize