Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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