ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
