Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
