I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
