Someone shit on the floor
this beer tastes like vomit already
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
