i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
