we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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