They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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