A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
