Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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