Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
