those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
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I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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