the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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