Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
