my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
