he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
