I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
