we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
