You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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