I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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