party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
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I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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