U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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