hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
