theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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