someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He better not be in your backpack
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
