Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I enjoy the company of your penis
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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