the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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