How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
