i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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