A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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