so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
