the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
