Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
