Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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