you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
how does that bad decision feel?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
