I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How's work?
Spinning.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
