if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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