hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So gin and wine won't be happening again
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
