So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
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Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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