I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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