it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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