If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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