I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize