Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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