Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
my liver is dry heaving
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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