You just made me feel so damn special
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We left the knife in your bed.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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