plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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