Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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