I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
