One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
