Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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