so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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