I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
