I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
