Having a random hookup so left but love u
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
