I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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