walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
