I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
