I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
