turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
