He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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