You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
