I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
