my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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