I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
